Saying NO is a difficult task for the majority of society. We hold the ‘movers and shakers’’ in the highest regard with their ability to say NO and mean it. Yet, we in our daily lives find it one of the most difficult things is to say and when we do, we often struggle with guilt. Saying No is a powerful statement when used correctly.
When a child enters this world, the first 2 years of life are laced with the word No. As parents and caregivers, our responsibility is to create safety, boundaries and rules to help the developing children learn about being safe in a world filled with dangers. Children hear…….No that is dangerous”:, No you can’t touch that”,” No you can’t go there”, “No you can’t have that”…..no, no, no, no, no and on it goes.
So what happens when children hit 2 to 3 years of age? Firstly they realise they are separate to their parents, and….they start saying no. Up until that age the word no has held so much power in their world, showing them the guidelines and behaviours that are acceptable. They have a deep understanding of the force and the power that using the word No can create.
The problems start when adults , upon hearing a 2-3 year old say No to them, take offence, or take it personally and the words uttered in response to the child are………..””Don’t you say NO to me!!!!”
How confusing is that going to be to a young child? Especially when sometimes the adults will use a form of punishment to teach that child that saying no is unacceptable. And so the journey begins.
As children grow, and have this level of confusion, their right and power to say no has been taken from them…..so the peer pressure and all that comes with the teenage years, is harder to stand against. As the child matures, there are many things done in life purely because they can’t say NO. So resentment builds, feelings of doing things out of obligation turns to frustration and finally after years of feeling like they are being walked over…….they go and spend a truck full of money on assertive and personal growth courses to basically learn how to NO and mean it, not aggressivley but positively stataing the intenion. When that is finally employed in our adult personal lives, that magical moment that comes when we say NO for the first time, we feel like we have won an award and want to celebrate.
My wonderings of this strange cycle of behaviour is simply this……….if we allow our children the right to exercise their power to say NO from an early age, without the adults taking any of it personally, coming from a place of knowing and understanding that a 2-3 year oldis simply flexing their muscles as their ego begins its life trying to understand a little bit of personal power, would there be as much child abuse, or sexual interference? Would there be less tantrums, and tears of frustration as a young child is learning how to use a voice that is mimicking what they have been taught?
No would mean no, and no from a child would amount to something more deserving than a reprimand. If a child can say No, and learn how to use it powerfully, would they manage the teenage angst with a bit more confidence?.
It is up to us, those who have navigated life, finally in a place of knowing how and when to say No effectively and powerfully, to guide young ones, to teach the children when, why and how using the word No is safe, and to completely understand that a 2-3 year old may not be defiant, they may just be flexing their power muscles.
Namaste
